Healthy Boundaries
A Checklist on Boundaries in a Relationship
When you give up your boundaries in a relationship you:
- Are unclear about your preferences
- Do not notice unhappiness since enduring is your concern
- Alter your behavior, plans, or opinions to fit the current moods or circumstances of another (live reactively)
- Do more and more for less and less
- Take as truth the most recent opinion you have heard
- Live hopefully while wishing and waiting
- Are satisfied if you are coping and surviving
- Let the other’s minimal improvement maintain your stalemate
- Have few hobbies because you have no attention span for self-directed activity
- Make exceptions for a person for things you would not tolerate in anyone else/accept alibis
- Are manipulated by flattery so that you lose objectivity
- Try to create intimacy with a narcissist
- Are so strongly affected by another that obsession results
- Will forsake every personal limit to get sex or the promise of it
- See your partner as causing your excitement
- Feel hurt and victimized but not angry
- Act out of compliance and compromise
- Do favors that you inwardly resist (cannot say no)
- Disregard intuition in favor of wishes
- Allow your partner to abuse your children or friends
- Mostly feel afraid and confused
- Are enmeshed in a drama that is beyond your control
- Are living a life that is not yours, and that seems unalterable
- Commit yourself for as long as the other needs you to be committed (no bottom line)
- Believe you have no right to secrets
When your boundaries are intact in a relationship you:
- Have clear preferences and act upon them
- Recognize when you are happy/unhappy
- Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you while remaining centered (live actively)
- Do more when that gets results
- Trust your own intuition while being open to other’s opinions
- Live optimistically while co-working on change
- Are only satisfied if you are thriving
- Are encouraged by sincere ongoing change for the better
- Have excited interest in self-enhancing hobbies and projects
- Have a personal standard, albeit flexible, that applies to everyone and asks for accountability
- Appreciate feedback and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate
- Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible
- Are so strongly affected by your partner’s behavior and take it as information
- Integrate sex so that you can enjoy it but never at the cost of your integrity
- See your partner as stimulating your excitement
- Let yourself feel anger, say “ouch” and embark upon a program of change
- Act out of agreement and negotiation
- Only do favors you choose to do (you can say no)
- Honor intuitions and distinguish them from wishes
- Insist others’ boundaries to be as safe as your own
- Mostly feel secure and clear
- Are always aware of choices
- Are living a life that mostly approximates what you always wanted for yourself
- Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed
- Protect your private matters without having to lie or be surreptitious
*The California Therapist July/August 1990
Developing mutually supportive relationships: “Moving from dependence to independence is a major step toward maturity. But, moving from independence to interdependence demonstrates the greatest maturity of all.” (Downing, 1999)
- Dependent people don’t feel they can accomplish what they want on their own and need others to help and/or do tasks for them.
- Independent people are able to work hard to get things done on their own, but don’t ask others for help when/if they need it.
- Co-dependent people are motivated by their need to help others and rely on the approval and/or dependence of others in order to feel worthwhile. How would you describe someone who is independent?
- Interdependent people have confidence in working and accomplishing tasks alone, but recognize the value and joy of giving and receiving help.