Religion
and Spirituality
Developing a Joint Religious Life
Developing
a Joint Spiritual Life
Religion
and Spirituality
When addressing
the topic of “religion,” many individuals distinguish
between organized religion and their own “spirituality.” Often
these people refer to their personal faith or spirituality as being
something inside themselves (e.g., faith, personal beliefs) or
revolving around their relationship with God. In contrast, church
or religion is viewed as an external institution with church buildings,
rituals, customs, traditions and doctrines. Often times these individuals
also comment that an individual's religiosity or religious practice
can be independent from one's faith or spirituality. Andrew stated,
for example, “I think you could have faith and not attend church
at all.” Another individual, Alan, said before getting married
that he would be willing to change religious affiliation, and said
that his personal relationship is with God, Christ, and not so
much with a church.
Given that many individuals distinguish between their religious
and spiritual lives, these topics will be treated as separate dimensions.
The first part will explore how couples can develop a joint religious
life, or said in another way, find ways to worship or participate
in church communities. The second part will explore how couples
can strengthen and build a joint spiritual life, one that can be
independent of organized religion. It should be noted, however,
that one's religious and spiritual lives can (and some would argue
should) strengthen and reinforce each other. Being active in a
church can nourish one's spiritual life; and one's spirituality
or faith can find expression through one's participation in a church
community. Thus, it would be hard to separate these two dimensions
for many people.
Developing a Joint Religious Life
Where to Attend
Church - One
of the important questions facing many interchurch couples is
where they will attend church. Interchurch couples found a variety
of ways of answering this question. Some couples decide that
both partners will remain active in their own churches, but will
seldom, if ever, worship at the other's church. A strong commitment
to their own church, as well as a possible discomfort with their
partner's church, may lead some couple to choose this approach.
The potential downside to this approach, however, is that it
can inhibit a couple from developing a religious bond. In addition,
one or both individuals may miss being able to worship with their
partner. Eric, for example, shared, “When
I see a couple in the church I just think ‘Man, do they realize
how neat it is for both them to be together?' They probably take
it for granted.” Another person conceded that it was difficult
going back to her church because it meant she would go alone, while
her children and husband went to the other church.
Another approach that some couples adopted was for each individual
to remain active in his or her own church, but also regularly attend
their partner's church too. For a number of couples, this seemed
to resolve the dilemma of wanting to remain faithful to their own
religious identity, yet find a way to worship with their partner.
Couples who used this approach often did it in one of two ways.
Some couples tried to attend both services every weekend. Jim and
Sandy, for example, went to Mass Saturday night at Sandy 's church,
and then attended Jim's church service Sunday morning. Other couples
used a different approach, agreeing to go to each other's church
on alternating weekends.
In some cases,
the interest in attending each other's church may not be mutual.
One partner may be willing to go to the other person's service
on regular basis, but the other partner seldom (or never) goes
to the other person's church service. Susan, a Latter Day Saint,
said she developed an interest in the Catholic Church prior to
meeting her husband. Michael, on the other hand, never goes to
Susan's services. He replied, “You
know, I really have been kind of selfish. I have never had any
interest in your church at all.”
Another approach used by some couples is to choose one church
to attend as a couple. The desire to worship together is an important
reason that many couples chose this option. In some cases, deciding to attend one church is accompanied
by a decision to change religious affiliation, while in other cases
it does not. Tom, a Methodist, for example, did not become a Catholic
despite becoming active in his wife's Catholic Church. The next
unit, Religious Affiliation: To Change or Not to Change, has a
more detailed discussion of issues related to change of religious
affiliation.
The above discussion assumes that both individuals attend church.
This is not true for all interchurch couples. For some couples,
one individual may be very active in a church, while the other
one is not. In other cases, neither partner may be very active
in church. If one or both of you are not involved in a church community,
it may be helpful for the two of you to discuss the reasons why
as a couple. Have negative experiences in the past influenced one
or both individual's desire to attend church? Are one or both of
you unclear on how to deal with religious differences, and use remaining
inactive as a way of avoiding possible conflict over religious
differences? Or, do one or both of you view church as unnecessary
because you have separated your spirituality from belonging to
a church community? Even if both individuals do not attend church,
it is still possible for the couple to develop and strengthen a
spiritual bond, which is discussed in the second part of the unit.
Issues in Attending
Partner's Church – There
may be a number of issues that individuals may need to work through
regarding attending each other's church. An issue raised by many
interchurch individuals was the discomfort they experienced visiting
their partner's church. In some cases, this discomfort was so
strong that it prevented the individual from ever attending their
partner's church. For those who were able to work through or
overcome that discomfort, however, they often encountered unexpected
rewards. After attending each other's services, some couples
are surprised to find more similarities than differences. Richard,
for example, noted similarities between the Catholic and Baptist
church after going to both services, despite the use of different
terminology. In some cases, individuals discovered that they
preferred their partner's denomination or church, and even changed
religious affiliation.
An individual's
discomfort in going to their partner's church could be due to
several factors. Often this discomfort existed simply because
the other church was different or unfamiliar. One Protestant
man, Greg, said one of the biggest challenges he faced in his
interchurch marriage was “going to this strange building
with these strange objects around that she calls a church that
I had never seen the inside of before, except maybe on some historical
tours.” Greg was also uncomfortable with the Crucifix hanging in
Catholic churches, and had commented to his wife that he thought
it was an idol. In contrast, his partner Jolene said, “If I don't
see the crucifix hanging up there, it's not a church. I've gotten
past that so that I can go to other churches. But it's still important.” Danielle,
a Catholic, was very apprehensive about going to her fiancé's
Evangelical church for the first time. Part of her apprehension
was around people speaking tongues during the service. In addition,
she said, “I, myself, am more introverted with my religious practices
and so I probably wouldn't be so interested in such an overt display,
but, I can see why people would be.” She did finally go to his
church for an Easter service, and had a positive enough experience
that she planned to attend the church again.
For some individuals,
the apprehension they experienced in attending their partner's
church was rooted in misconceptions or negative stereotypes they
learned about that denomination or church. One woman shared, “I grew up in a church that taught that Catholics
were evil. I was programmed to think that Catholics were going
to be very closed and that I would have to become Catholic or be
an outcast. I didn't find that to be true at all.” She added, “I
was told that I'd be forced to convert, that they'd steal my children
and baptize them while I wasn't looking and make them Catholic.”
Finally, some
individuals were uncomfortable attending their partner's church
out of a fear that they would not be accepted. Sandy , for example,
feared that others might try to get her to change churches. She
stated, “I always got the feeling that, ‘Oh, you're Catholic
and you're here visiting?' And it was almost like, the challenge
was to get me.” In contrast, Samantha, a devout Catholic, found
the friendliness and inclusiveness of many Protestant churches
to be quite inviting. In some cases, the interchurch partner becomes
such an accepted part of the church, that others can forget they
are not church members. Erica, a Catholic, said there are a lot
of people at her husband's church who think she's Lutheran because
they frequently see her at church services and other activities.
Another concern
raised by some Catholics was that attending their partner's Protestant
service did not count toward their obligation to attend Mass
each Sunday. One individual said that some priests believe, “You're not going to church” when
you attend your partner's Protestant service. Going to both services
was one way in which some Catholics addressed this issue.
Communion can
also be another issue that Catholic-Protestant couples face,
particularly those who regularly attend each other's services.
In the Catholic Church, communion is reserved for Catholics.
Protestants attending a Catholic service may struggle with being
excluded from communion. Daniel shared,” There is something that really makes
you feel left out when my wife gets up and goes up for communion
and there you sit. And it's like you've got a neon sign going across
your forehead saying non-Catholic, non-Catholic. You feel awkward
and left out.” In many Catholic churches, non-Catholics can come
forward at communion time and receive a blessing from the priest
or Eucharistic minister as an alternative to receiving communion.
This can help reduce the sense of alienation the non-Catholic may
experience. For some couples, however, this is not a complete solution,
and leaves some hurt that they cannot share full communion with
their partner.
Conversely,
Catholics often did not feel comfortable taking communion at
their partner's Protestant church. This, in turn, can make the
Catholic feel like an outsider. One Catholic woman commented
on her experience of being in a Protestant church during communion, “Everyone
in this small church of 100 or 200 people went up to communion.
I just sat there. Everyone looked at me, like, “Why aren't you
going up?” It's like, “That's not communion. That's just not right.
You're not supposed to take it anywhere.” Some interchurch individuals
believe that differences in beliefs regarding communion are not
substantial enough to prevent them from participating in communion
at another church. In some cases, this is done with the knowledge
and approval of the clergy member.
Other Ways
to Develop a Joint Religious Life - It is important
to note that attending worship services is only one way that interchurch
couples can become involved in each other's churches. Some couples
participate in service or volunteer activities together, while
others participate in Bible studies or other religious education
activities with their partners. Mitch and Tracy, for example, attended
a Bible study at Tracy 's church, and volunteered their time in
doing marriage preparation in both of their respective churches.
Couples can also participate in church-sponsored social activities.
Linda, for example, played on her husband's church softball team.
Being involved in these activities not only strengthens the couple's
bond, but it can also foster a sense of belonging and connection
to the church communities.
Developing a Joint Spiritual Life
Interchurch
individuals stressed the importance of developing a spiritual
bond between the couple outside of church. Learning to pray together,
for example, was one of the most frequently mentioned ways of
doing this by interchurch couples. Paula emphasized the importance
of praying together as a couple by saying, “So it really
doesn't matter what faith they're from or what church they're from,
as long as they're working toward the same goal, praying, and [having]
faith in God....It's pretty hard to split up when you're praying
together. You're working out your problems together.”
How should a couple pray together? The answer depends upon the
couple. Prayer encompasses a wide variety of methods and techniques
through which one is able to draw nearer to God. How God is defined,
however, often varies from person to person. The uniqueness of
how God is experienced is similar to the uniqueness of communication
that individuals employ when speaking to God. There are a many
different approaches through which individuals are able to communicate
with God. Some view prayer as a solitary activity done in silence
and others view prayer as a group activity to be done aloud. Prayer
can be both spontaneous as well as rehearsed. It can be done sporadically
or in a scheduled manner, such as before bed or before meals. Prayer
can be done in written format, orally spoken, or acted out. Prayer
can be used to give thanks, give praise, offer a petition, or simply
to listen to God. Some couples use the Bible or devotional books
as a starting point for their prayers, while others use prayer
journals to enrich the experience. These many methods can be combined
to create a unique prayer experience with your partner.
Developing a joint prayer life is not the only way to build a
joint spiritual bond. Some couples study the Bible together, or
read other religious books together. Others discuss spiritual topics
or say grace at meals.
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