Two
Common Myths about Religious Differences
There are two common myths about religious differences that interchurch
individuals need to dispel to effectively work with religious differences.
The first myth is that only interchurch couples have important
religious differences. Religious differences can and do exist between
all couples, not just those with different denominational affiliations.
Religious differences can exist for a couple in a number of different
areas, not just denominational affiliation. Couples can be similar
or different regarding their beliefs about God, as well as what
they consider to be moral behavior. Couples can also differ on
the importance they attribute to attending church, prayer, reading
the Bible, or having God guide their actions or decisions in their
daily lives. Indeed, some interchurch couples may have fewer religious
differences than same-church couples when evaluated on these dimensions.
Two Catholics, for example, could hold differing beliefs as to
how important God is to them, and may have very different views
on how important it is to attend Mass each week or to pray to God.
They may also have very different views on which Church doctrines
they feel should be upheld, such as contraception. In contrast,
a Lutheran and Catholic couple may be very similar on the importance
they give to attending church, prayer, and allowing God to guide
their daily lives. This couple may also focus more on the common
beliefs they share as Christians as opposed to the doctrinal differences
between the Catholic and Lutheran churches. In this example, religious
differences are more likely to be problematic for the same-church
couple than the interchurch couple.
A second common myth is the belief that
religious differences are inherently problematic. This is a particularly
difficult myth to dispel since there is an element of truth behind
the myth. Religious differences do have the potential to be destructive
if individuals are not careful in how they approach these differences.
Unfortunately, human beings have a tendency to mistrust differences,
and often attribute a negative view towards attitudes, practices,
or human beings that are different. As one individual stated, “your knee-jerk
reaction” is to view that other religion as being bad or wrong.
This view can be further reinforced by beliefs that one's own church
or denomination is superior to others. This can lead
individuals to try and change their partner. Charles admitted that
in the beginning of his marriage, “I had pretty well all the answers,
and that I knew what I believed, and, by golly, she was wrong.
Somehow I was going to make sure that she knew that.”
What this myth does not acknowledge, however,
is that religious differences can lead to positive outcomes if
they are effectively managed. Couples often find, to their surprise,
that religious differences have the potential to enrich one another
and their relationship. Exploring differences, for example, often
leads individuals to learn more about their partner as well as
themselves. Charles, after admitting that he tried to prove his
wife's beliefs were wrong, added, “Not only did I learn that I don't have all the answers,
but I also learned to start to find out what I really believed.” Thus,
exploring differences with our partners has the potential to make
us more closely examine what we believe and why. This can, in turn,
become a catalyst for spiritual growth. Many individuals also learn
greater tolerance of others by learning more about their partner's
religious background. The following sections discuss destructive
and positive ways to manage religious differences.
Don't Try to Change the Other Person
In interviews with interchurch individuals,
many shared how early in their marriage they challenged their
partner's beliefs or practices. Peter, for example, showed his
wife a religion book that described the different religions,
and used the book to point out what he didn't like about her
religion. Another couple, Jeff and Margaret, admitted that in
the beginning of their marriage, they were each out to try to
convert the other and would point out what was wrong with the
other's beliefs. Unfortunately, this approach can lead to power
struggles in the relationship, leaving one or both partners feeling
angry or invalidated. Chris and Danielle, for example, had frequent
debates over different topics such as transubstantiation, whether
or not it was possible to know if you are saved, or if it was
appropriate to pray to others. During one debate, Danielle told
Chris, “I feel that you're saying that unless I do everything
exactly the way that you think I should be doing it, that I might
as well give up. I might as well quit going to church. I might
as well quit reading the Bible. Why should I bother to do any of
this, if you think that no matter what, that I'm wrong because
I'm Catholic?”
In a more extreme form, an individual may
even pressure his or her partner to change religious affiliation.
Beth changed denominational affiliation because she didn't want
a disagreement over religion to keep her and her partner from
getting married. She said she was raised Catholic and had strong
beliefs, yet her husband Peter was “real head-strong” about not becoming Catholic, and said he “didn't
want to have our family split and go to two different churches.” Therefore,
Beth said she would change religious affiliation. Pressuring a
partner to change, however, can create serious problems in the
relationship. Beth admitted that she and her husband have had arguments
about it since. She said, “At times I feel resentful because I
think he made me do it. At the time, you know, love was blind,
as they say, and I was willing to do that at that time.” Beth later
added, “I didn't think it was going to be that big of a thing to
not allow myself to marry him over that.” Her feelings of resentment
surfaced again when her son was born because she knew that he would
not be baptized in the Catholic Church. The fact that he wanted
her to change continued to be a problem in the relationship for
many years, and has contributed to the relationship being like
a roller coaster for her. While attempting to work out some of
their problems, her husband said she could go back to the Catholic
Church if she wanted to. Peter added that his wife might feel greater
resentment over the other problems in the marriage because she
had given a lot in other areas, particularly religion.
Not all couples went into their marriage
trying to change their partner. Some went into the relationship
with the belief that “when
you marry somebody, you don't marry them thinking ‘I'm going to
change that person.'” Michael stated that he and Susan went into
the marriage with a mutual understanding that “she wasn't going
to try to make me do her way or I wasn't going to make her see
my way.” Other individuals did not want their partner to change
their religious beliefs or faith because it was such an integral
part of their identity. Joan said, “I don't want my husband to
change because that's not him.” Richard shared, “I knew how important
her faith was to her and how important her religion was to her
and I saw no purpose in trying to interfere with that.” Differences
define us as individuals. Differences, whether or not they are
of a religious nature, make us unique from one another. Respecting
these differences communicates respect for our partners, and values
their uniqueness.
Some individuals were able to avoid or stop
pressuring their partner through a belief that the desire to
change would need to come from God. One couple, Ron and Nicole,
described a conflict over religion that nearly ended their relationship.
Ron was an inactive Baptist, while Nicole was an active Lutheran.
After Ron refused to go to church on a family vacation with Nicole's
parents, the couple had a big fight when they returned home.
Nicole essentially gave Ron an ultimatum that he would either “stand by her” by going to church
with her, or she would give up on the relationship. This fight
created a significant amount of tension between the couple over
the next two weeks. In retelling the story, Ron stated that he
would have responded better if Nicole had asked him to attend church
with her rather than giving him an ultimatum. After the fight,
Nicole realized that she needed to back off. She stated, “I had
to back off in order for him to step forward and say, ‘I'll go
to church.'” Nicole shared that backing off was very hard to do,
but recognized that the decision was not in her hands. She said, “I
had planted a seed, and couldn't push him. I mean it wasn't up
to me at that point to do the pushing. It had to come from God.” Ron
did eventually go to church with her and ultimately joined the
Lutheran church.
Exploring Differences: A Process of Discovery
Another successful strategy that many couples
use in dealing with differences is to learn more about their
partner's religious faith. Religious differences can be a barrier
in the relationship unless one is willing to explore the other's
religion. Todd described “walls” that
were in the couple's relationship at the beginning until they began
to explore the other's faith. Ideally, both individuals will adopt
the spirit of a traveler who ventures to a different land to witness
the customs and beliefs of a different culture. The traveler goes
with the hope of discovering something new and exciting. As we
observe this new culture, we note both ways in which it is similar
and different from our own. In this manner, we learn not only about
the new culture, but also our own. Making the effort to learn about
our partner's faith also sends a powerful message of love and acceptance.
By learning more about our partner's faith, we are demonstrating
in a concrete way that we value who our partner is and our desire
to know them better.
Interchurch individuals can show their willingness to learn about
their partner's faith in a number of different ways. Attending
their partner's church was one way that many interchurch couples
learned more about their partner's faith. Other ways
included reading and discussing literature from each church, or
attending religious education classes through the partner's church.
Some couples may face barriers to learning
more about their partner's faith. For some individuals, unfamiliarity
or negative preconceptions about the partner's church or denomination
can be an initial barrier to learning more. One Catholic woman
stated she felt “foreign” in
the Protestant church. Another individual was raised hearing very
negative views of Catholics in the church she was raised, and was
originally apprehensive about going to a Catholic mass. In time,
however, individuals become more open to learning about their partner's
church as they become more familiar with their partner's church
and their negative misconceptions are proven to be untrue. Alisha
said, “I never would have thought to walk into another church.
And now I feel comfortable going to any church.” Another potential
barrier is if one or both individuals are not well informed about
their own faith tradition. In some cases, individuals may not know
a lot about one's own church teachings or may even be misinformed
about them. This can lead to some confusion as to what
the differences really are between a couple.
Overcoming these barriers, if they exist,
is critically important for interchurch couples. In addition
to being a powerful way to validate one's partner, learning about
our partner's religious faith can offer several other important
benefits. Interchurch individuals often discover after visiting
their partner's church that the two churches are more similar
than originally perceived. As Doug said, “We
didn't know there was anything the same because we had never stepped
inside a Lutheran or Catholic Church.” If addressed in an inquisitive
rather than challenging way, exploring differences can enhance
the intimacy between the couple. Chris, for example, stated that
being curious about each other's religion had led to “hours and
hours of conversation.”
A genuine exploration of each other's religious
faith can also challenge us to grow spiritually. One of the ways
in which it can do this is to call us to examine our own beliefs
more closely. Charles said, “There was a tendency to just assume that I knew
what I believed, but then when you've got somebody on the other
side saying, ‘Why do you believe that?' Well, no one's ever asked
you that question before. It kind of forces you to go back and
start saying, ‘Well, yeah, why do we all believe that?' and, so
I think you grow in faith when you're challenged like that.
I think my faith is deeper because of her, and because I was forced
to look at what I believed.” Suzanne made a similar point, stating
that being active in her husband's church has enhanced the practice
of her own Catholic faith. “It has made me look at my faith and
my chapel position maybe a little more closely as to why do I go
to Mass. And why do I do this? And why do I do that?”
Spiritual growth can also come from being
exposed to different perspectives. As one individual stated, “You find out so much more
by broadening your horizons.” Interchurch individuals reported
being enriched by different perspectives in a number of ways. Rebecca
said that she and her partner teach each other a lot because of
their different perspectives. She said that her fiancé Doug
has “opened my eyes up to appreciating a beautiful sunset and a
wonderful scene or a lake, or whatever. I've always appreciated
those things, but not thinking... the beauty is God.” She in turn
has taught him a lot through some of the facts about religion that
she knows better than him. Getting different perspectives by attending
both church services was commonly cited as being helpful. Erica
said that her husband's pastor goes through a more theological
perspective on the readings, while her priest tries to apply it
to daily life. She added, “We get both sides, which is really good.” Another
individual offered that being in an interchurch group with couples
of different faiths “was so rich because everybody had so much
to offer.”
Finally, exploring differences can also
lead individuals to become more accepting or tolerant of other
religious traditions. Beth said she has become more inclusive
in her thinking, and recognizes that we are all here for some
purpose and believe in one God. Danielle said, “I know we've all had preconceived notions about our opposite
religion before we knew each other and certainly before we started
dating. So, I think, I am personally more open to other people's
views, now, and less judgmental of them.” Danielle's husband, Chris,
said that being exposed to a different religion has made him a
bit more open and challenged some of his “intellectual arrogance.”
Look for Commonalities
Successful interchurch couples often commented
on the temptation to focus on differences, but stressed the importance
of looking for commonalities. Robert said that too often “you tend to focus
on a relatively small amount of differences and tend to ignore
the acute body of stuff that's similar.” Ellen said, “When we first
got married, nobody had you talk about what was the same. All you
ever heard about was, 'These are your differences'.” She added, “We
knew we had differences, but never ever, until after later, did
we ever talk about what was the same. Now you still know the differences
are there. You don't minimize the differences, but now you spend
a lot more time on - we can worship together, the creeds are the
same.” Likewise, Marcus said that the key for he and his wife was “leaving
the differences behind and coming together with the things that
we did have in common.”
Interchurch individuals can focus on their
commonalities in a number of different ways. Several interchurch
individuals focus on the fact that both are Christians, and pay
less attention to denominational differences. When talking about
baptism, Louis said that when they first got married, the baptism
of his daughter was a big deal. Now 15 years later, it is not
a big deal because he recognizes that she's baptized into the
Christian family. In a similar vein, many interchurch individuals
stressed that both partners believe in the same God. Doug said, “I
could, quite frankly, get married in any church... my God isn't
different from hers because I'm Presbyterian. My God, to me,
in my view, isn't any different than her God in the Catholic
Church.”
Many individuals also believe that the religious
differences don't matter to God. Erica, a Catholic, commented
that it was initially difficult for her to allow her daughter
to be baptized Lutheran, but also acknowledged that, “It doesn't matter if they may be of
a different faith, because it is all the same to God.” As Ellen
stated, “Who says that God is only going to call two Lutherans
together, and that God is only going to call two Catholics together.”
Some interchurch couples believe that it
is important to focus more on each person's spiritual relationship
with God and one another, and should avoid putting “too much focus on the [church] institution.” One
individual stated, “As long as your focus is on our church does
it this way and the minister said this, or Sunday school is different,
you will never make any progress.”
Other Beliefs that Foster Acceptance of Differences
Interchurch individuals often cited certain
beliefs or values they held that seemed to foster acceptance
or tolerance of religious differences. There was a strong belief
among many interchurch individuals, for example, that it is not
right to judge others. Rebecca commented, “It
just doesn't seem right to point your fingers and say, ‘You're
wrong, you're wrong,' and then on the other hand say you're a Christian.” Her
partner Doug added that he wonders about some things in Rebecca's
church, but reminds himself that it is not for him to judge what is right or wrong.
Another individual said, “I'm sure Jesus would want us to try to
be accepting and understanding of each other despite minor differences.” Others
believed in the old adage “different strokes for different folks.” Vanessa,
for example, stated, “I feel that everybody has his or her own
way of worshiping and Catholic Church is not the only way to do
it. It's the way for me.” From this perspective, specific denominations
or churches were not viewed as inherently superior to others, but
might offer a better fit for some individuals compared to others.
Others also believed that love could transcend differences. Erica,
for example, believed that religious differences were not as important
compared to the love that a couple has for one another or God.
Putting the Problem in Context
Another view expressed by some was that the real problem was not
with the interchurch couples themselves, but the fact that the
various churches were divided. The division over religious differences
that couples sometimes struggle with reflects the same division
that Christianity struggles with its different denominations and
churches. For some couples, this perspective helped them to avoid
personalizing the struggle too much. At the same time, it suggests
that couples that can successfully work through their differences
can witness to the larger faith community the ideals of ecumenism.
Trouble-shooting Conflict over Religious Differences
This section explores other questions or tools that may help if
you and your partner are having conflict over religious differences.
If you are having conflict over religious differences, you may
need to slow things down and make sure you and your partner are
using effective communication skills. Both of you, for example,
should attempt to clarify the intent and impact of the messages
with one another using the speaking and listening skills discussed
in the Communication unit. When Chris and Danielle discussed religious
topics, Danielle felt that Chris was putting her down because he
challenged her beliefs and practices. When Danielle finally shared
this with Chris, he was able to clarify that this was not his intent.
Chris shared that he enjoyed debating about the religious differences,
but did not view her in a lesser light because her beliefs were
different from his.
As much as possible, each of you should try to maintain a curious
or inquisitive stance toward your partner. Rather than simply focusing
on what your partner believes or practices, it may be helpful for
you to explore why certain beliefs or practices are so important
to him or her. It may also be helpful to explore how each of you
came to adopt your beliefs or practices. Was it something learned
through family, church, or some other way? Was it learned as a
child or as adult?
It may be helpful to recognize that for many people, religious
traditions are intertwined with family traditions. Going to church,
for example, is also a family ritual for many individuals. Religious
and family rituals may be closely interwoven during religious holidays
such as Christmas or Easter. As a result, religious and family
identity may be closely connected for many people. Jessica, for
example, experienced a strong sense of loneliness when her partner
did not attend church with her on Christmas because she associated
Christmas as a time of family togetherness growing up. As a result
of this connection between religion and family, you need to be
aware that challenging an individual's religious beliefs or practices
may also challenge their loyalty to their family identity, creating
a more intense reaction.
If you are stuck, there are other questions
you might consider. Are you and your partner focusing too much
on differences, and not enough on commonalities? Is the difference
the two of you are fighting over a “difference that will make a difference?” In
some cases, standing back and putting the issue in a broader
context makes it easier to simply agree to disagree on an issue.
You may also want to consider if conflict over religious differences
reflects a deeper issue in the relationship. Is the conflict,
for example, a symptom of power issues in the relationship, or
an expression of someone's concerns regarding commitment? If
you find yourself continually struggling over religious differences,
it would be wise to seek out professional help. |
