No Right or Wrong
Answer
Reasons Why Some Individuals Changed Religious
Affiliation
Reasons Why Some Individuals Did Not
Change
Change is a Process
No Right or Wrong Answer
Couples from different religious
backgrounds face a difficult decision with regards to religious
affiliation. Should individuals change religious affiliation
to create a same-church marriage, or should each partner remain
faithful to their own religious affiliation? Couples have built
successful marriages choosing both pathways. Therefore, the question
is not whether or not one approach is right or wrong, but rather,
which approach best fits you and your partner's needs. Each approach
has potential positives and negatives. Individuals must carefully
consider the potential positives and negatives to each approach.
Then they must decide how important each of these factors are,
giving them proper weight in their decision-making.
The next two sections explore reasons
why individuals chose to or chose not to change religious affiliation.
As stated earlier, these two sections are not intended to advocate
for one position over the other, but to highlight the various
factors that can enter the decision-making process.
Reasons
Why Some Individuals Changed Religious Affiliation
Individuals who are in interchurch
relationships can change religious affiliation for a number of
reasons. These factors include:
Preferred
the New Denomination – In
a national survey, individuals who were originally in interchurch
relationship indicated that the most important reason they changed
religious affiliation was that they preferred the new denomination.
Through an interchurch relationship, individuals become exposed
to and learn about their partner's denomination. For some individuals,
they find their partner's denomination a better fit than the
one in which they were originally raised. Bernadette, for example,
was raised Lutheran by her parents. Through her marriage with
Phillip, she learned more about the Catholic Church. Over time,
Bernadette discovered that the Catholic teachings were a better
fit with her beliefs, and she eventually joined the Catholic
Church. It is also possible that individuals may find a particular
church community or congregation that they prefer, but happens
to be a different denomination.
A Stronger
Marriage and Family – The
national survey also indicated that another key motive for individuals
to change religious affiliation was the belief that their marriage
or family would be stronger if they were united on the religion
issue. Marie, for example, expressed concern that families have
enough problems as it is, without being “split on the religion
issue.” She felt the family would be stronger if it had one faith.
Adam expressed a similar desire for unity, stating, “T he point
of getting married is two becoming one. And, what is the point
of doing that if you're living separate lives, especially in
an area as intimate as your faith.”
Desire to
Worship Together – Another
key reason for individuals to change religious affiliation was
the desire to worship together as a couple. Meredith said, “I
just wanted us to be able to go to church together.” The desire
to worship together may be closely related to wanting a united
marriage for many individuals.
For the Children – Children was
another common motive for changing religious affiliation. Some
couples feel that the children will receive a mixed message about
religion, or will be confused by two different religious traditions.
How couples address the religious upbringing of children will
be explored in more depth in the next unit.
Both Changed
as a Compromise – Some
individuals reported that one reason they changed religious affiliation
was out of a compromise. Rather than require only one individual
to change religious affiliation, some couples agree to look for
a church that will be mutually agreeable to both. Peggy and Matt,
for example, both became Episcopalian because it offered elements
that both wanted from a church. Peggy, a former Catholic, said
she needed a church that had kneeling benches, liturgy, and communion
similar to the Catholic Church. Matt, an organist, needed a church
with good music.
To Keep a
Relationship – Some individuals
also feel pressured by their partners to change religious affiliation,
or risk losing the relationship. Beth admitted that she didn't
want a disagreement over religion to keep her and her partner
from getting married, so she changed religious affiliation. Although
Beth was raised Catholic and had strong beliefs, she noted that
her partner was “real head-strong” about not becoming Catholic,
and also “didn't want to have our family split and go to two
different churches.” Beth said, “I guess I wanted to get married
so bad I did, more or less tell him, ‘Yes, I would change.'” She
later reported feeling resentment over this issue.
Keep Peace
in Extended Family – For
a small number of people, they changed religious affiliation
in order to keep peace in the extended family. Derek stated that
his sister-in-law became Catholic because her husband's family
was strongly Catholic. Otherwise, her different religious background
would have been a “bone of contention” in the marriage and extended
family.
Reasons
Why Some Individuals Did Not Change
Just as some individuals had compelling
reasons for changing religious affiliation, research also uncovered
compelling reasons why others did not want to change religious
affiliation. These are listed below:
Don't Accept
Beliefs – In some
cases, individuals stated they disagreed with certain beliefs
of their partner's church. Therefore, they felt they could not
change to their partner's denomination because of an incompatibility
of beliefs. An individual's disagreement with the beliefs could
be based on an informed view of what those beliefs or practices
were, or it could be based on misperceptions or stereotypes.
Church Traditions - Some people
do not want to change religious affiliation because they cherished
or valued certain religious traditions in their current church.
Jean said since she has been active in her husband's church for
12 years, leading people to ask her why she doesn't simply join
that church. She responds, “There are certain traditions in the
Catholic faith or the Catholic religion that are very important
to me that I'm not willing to give up.”
Loss of Identity – For many individuals,
their denominational affiliation is an integral part of their
identity, making it difficult for them to change religious affiliation.
When Michael was asked if he ever thought of changing religious
affiliation, he declared no, and justified it by saying he was
an “old South Omaha Irish Catholic.” Like Michael, one's religious
identity may also be tied up with one's racial or ethnic identity,
making it even more difficult to consider changing religious
affiliation. Identities are also heavily shaped by family experiences
growing up. For many families, family rituals are often intertwined
with religious rituals. Therefore, changing religious affiliation
may alter both religious and family traditions, creating another
potential loss.
Even in cases where an individual
does change religious affiliation, their religious identity may
be slow to change. Beth, who now goes to a Protestant church,
said that when she goes home, she always goes to Mass with her
parents if they go. Beth added, “I go and I receive communion,
too, and deep down I feel like I probably shouldn't; and yet,
I also feel deep down that I'll always remain a Catholic at heart….
I don't think I'll ever lose that.”
Family Reactions – Some individuals
reported that they would not change religious affiliation because
doing so would mean going against family tradition and risk losing
family acceptance. Alex described how he was open to changing
religions, but felt that it would be a disaster if he did because
he came “from a real Catholic family.” Several individuals in
his family, for example, were priests. Jefferson said that one
thing that has held him back from changing religious affiliation
has been his mother, who would strongly object to his becoming
Catholic.
Change
is a Process
It is important to recognize that
making a decision to change or not to change religious affiliation
is a process. Couples will also need to discern what factors
are important to each individual and the relationship, and assess
their relative importance. Learning about each other's religious
traditions is also critically important, particularly for those
who may seriously consider changing religious affiliation. Learning
about a new religious tradition takes time. Although a significant
percentage (37.2%) of interchurch couples become same-church
within the first year of marriage, the process can take much
longer for other couples. For 22.3% of the couples, change of
affiliation did not occur until after five years of marriage.
Jacob, for example, did not change to Catholicism until he and
his wife had been married for seven years, and had four children.
Even after an individual decides
to change religious affiliation, it may take even longer for
that person to be fully comfortable with the change. Beth said
that it took 15 years before she could say going to a Presbyterian
Church was going to “her” church instead of her going to her
husband's church. Cheryl, a former Catholic, said she struggled
with in her conversion to a Protestant church because she was
taught growing up that the Catholic Church is the one true church.
With time, however, individuals can come to fully embrace the
new denomination. Although Cheryl initially struggled with her
conversion, she eventually entered seminary school to become
a Presbyterian minister.
