A Challenging Topic for Couples to Explore
For couples that plan to have children, an important question
that must be faced is deciding which religious tradition or traditions
the children will be raised within. This is a challenging question
for many interchurch couples. In fact, many interchurch couples
stated that the religious upbringing of children was the issue
most likely to cause conflict. Each parent naturally wants to pass
on to their child or children their religious beliefs and heritage.
Each parent's family of origin may also have strong feelings or
convictions about the religious upbringing of the children, which
can make the decision even more complex for couples.
Therefore, it may come as little surprise that many interchurch
couples postpone talking about the religious upbringing of children
until the children arrive. In fact, when and where to baptize the
child may precipitate conflict for the couple as they strive to
make a mutually satisfying decision about the religious upbringing
of their child. Other couples reported postponing baptizing their
child to avoid a conflict over the issue.
Rather than adopt a passive stance towards the issue, it is recommended
that couples begin a dialogue on this issue as soon as possible.
This will permit the couple time to fully explore each other's
religious traditions, expectations for parenting, and the potential
implications of any decision the couple makes. Taking time to explore
this issue reflects that making a decision of this magnitude is
a process that takes time.
Different Approaches to Addressing the Religious Upbringing of
Children
Couples used several different approaches to raising their children.
These various approaches that couples used, along with their potential
strengths and limitations are described below:
One Religious
Tradition, One Church - One approach to raising
children is to decide on one religious tradition as a couple, and
raise the children in that religious tradition. In some cases,
both partners changed religious affiliation to a third denomination
that was agreeable to both. In the majority of cases, however,
one partner changed religious affiliation to the other partner's
denomination. In some cases, one partner becomes active
in the other partner's church but does not officially join that
church. Tom and Mary, for example, were Methodist and Catholic
respectively. The couple decided to raise their child Catholic.
Although Tom became active in his wife's church, he never officially
joined the Catholic Church.
As described in the previous unit, individuals could have several
motivations for changing religious affiliation, with the religious
upbringing of children being only one possible reason. Other prominent
reasons included finding another denomination the individual preferred
to their own, believing the family or marriage would be stronger
if they belonged to one denomination, or having the desire to worship
together. Several couples stated that they felt raising their children
in one religious tradition would be less confusing for their children.
This approach,
however, did present problems for some couples. As mentioned
in the previous unit, the decision to change religious affiliation
can impact an individual's relationship with their parents or
extended family. Some families expressed disapproval over the
individual's decision to change religious affiliation. Other
individuals feared that they were hurting their parents by their
decision. Beth, who changed from Catholicism to her husband's
denomination, feels like she let her mother down because she
will never see her grandson “make his first Holy Communion and that
sort of thing.” She struggles most with her decision when she hears
her mother talk about her friend's children having their first
communion or similar events. This leaves her feeling bad or guilty.
Beth also feels like she would be closer with her family if they
were the same denomination. Her husband Peter concurred, and added
that family gatherings like Christmas and Sundays can be more difficult
with extended family because they come from different church traditions.
Different Religious Traditions,
One Church - A second approach used by some couples was
for each partner to remain active in their own religious tradition,
but raise all the children in one partner's religious tradition.
The key advantage of this approach is that it allows each individual
to remain active in his or her own church, which may be crucial
for individuals who have a strong identity with their current
church or denomination. The biggest potential difficulty with
this approach is that one partner may feel excluded from the
re ligious training of the children. One parent commented, for
example, that she felt a “real separation” when the children
were in a religious event and only one parent was invited to participate
in the ceremony.
This approach
also presents challenges to the parent who raises the child in
his or her own denomination or church. This parent cannot share
the responsibility of religious training of the children in the
same way same church couples can. Eric, a father of three, lamented, “Talk about the challenge . . . There were times when
I found myself in church with these three kids in the pew and I
said, ‘What kind of a deal have I struck here?' I mean, I am alone
with these kids in this church trying to keep control of them,
you know, trying to keep my faith. Who got the better deal out
of this thing?”
One of the
issues that these couples must address is in which parent's church
the children will be raised. Research suggests that children
are generally raised in the church of the parent who is more
devout. One Catholic woman, Cassandra, said she did not want
to promise to raise her children Catholic because she recognized
that her husband “was a better Christian, being a Methodist,
than I was as a Catholic.” Other factors, however, can influence
which church the child or children are raised. Some couples consider
the impact the decision will have on their respective families
of origin. One couple, for example, anticipated strong resistance
from the husband's family if they raised the child anything other
than Catholic. To avoid that problem, they decided to raise the
child Catholic. Stephanie said they decided that their children
would be raised Catholic because they wanted their children to
go to Catholic schools for a better education. The couple agreed
that it would be easier for them going to a Catholic school if
they were Catholic. The type of religious education or youth programs
available through one church can be another factor weighed in the
decision. One couple, for example, decided to have the children
begin to attend the husband's church because the youth program
was much stronger at his church.
Different Religious Traditions,
Different Churches - A variation
of the second approach was for each parent to remain active in
his or her own church, and raise each child exclusively in a single
church, but not all in the same church. One couple, Allen and Debbie,
decided prior to having children to raise the boys Lutheran (the
father's denomination) and the girls Catholic (the mother's denomination).
One potential pitfall to an arrangement based on the child's sex
is if the couple later has only boys or girls, or a very uneven
mix of the two. In these cases, the arrangement may not seem as
balanced or fair. Some remarried or stepfamilies also adopt this
approach, with the children being raised in each biological parent's
church.
Different Religious
Traditions, Both Churches - A fourth approach is for each individual
to remain active in his or her own church and teach the children
both religious traditions. Chris and Danielle, for example, described
their plan for raising their children in both Evangelical Christian
and Catholic churches. They agreed they would teach their young
child the “mutual beliefs” about
salvation and God that both denominations shared. They also planned
to continue to attend both churches. As the child got older and
could ask questions, then they would answer the child's questions
honestly and openly, including if they had different points of
view. However, the couple also agreed that neither would belittle
the other person's church or the other person's beliefs. In addition,
neither person would attempt to explain the other's teachings
or doctrine. The child would eventually be given the freedom
to decide which church he or she wanted to join. Although the
couple feared that exposing the child to both churches might
be a little confusing, both felt this was the fairest or most
equitable solution.
Indeed, the
fear that the children would be confused kept other couples from
considering this option. Another fear expressed by some was that
children raised in both churches might get a watered down version
of each, and never develop a deep conviction about either religious
tradition. Couples who elected to raise their children in both
churches, however, believed being exposed to two different religions
could be an advantage rather than a limitation. Charles, for
example, believed that children raised in interchurch marriages
had the potential for a deeper or more closely examined faith.
He said, “You are forced to explore what you really believe,
not only as parents, but also your children, because you have more
than one view point. And I think that is a strength. I think children
come out with a stronger faith because they thought through it.
It's not a childish faith that was based strictly on whatever my
mom and dad told me.” Some parents tried to avoid confusing their
children by emphasizing the commonalities rather than the differences
between the denominations. Elizabeth stated she and her partner
intended on building a very strong foundation that would be based
on “fundamentals of Christianity,” and not necessarily the Catholic
or Lutheran church. Some parents also stated that they believed
their children would learn to be more accepting of other religions.
Paul stated he thought his children had learned to be more tolerant
of other religious traditions. He added, “I think that they are
comfortable in their own religion but they also feel that other
people have a right to be comfortable in their religion."
Concerns about
this approach included the challenge of sharing one's faith with
their children in a way that was both appropriate and respectful
to the other partner's beliefs. Charles shared, “I
think one of the challenges is to be true to your faith. A lot
of times there are questions that you can't answer in the same
way as you have been taught and you don't want to answer it in
such a way that you denigrate her beliefs, but at the same time
you don't also want to subjugate your own. So that becomes kind
of tricky. For a while I was really uncomfortable doing that. It
took me a while to come to the realization that the best way was
just to be honest and explain that there is a difference and this
is what the difference is. You're much better off than sweeping
it under the carpet or getting some sort of bland answer that doesn't
really do either one of you any good.” Others questioned the time
and financial resources required to be active in both churches.
Simon, who said he wanted to expose his son to both religious traditions,
worried how his son would be able to go to two religious education
classes.
Give Them a
Choice -
As the children grow older, another approach may evolve, which
is to give the children the freedom to choose which tradition
they want to follow. Tim, a believer of this approach, stated, “Each kid has got to find their own way.” Some parents
feel strongly about this that they do not baptize their children,
fearing that it will predetermine the child's choice. Chris and
Danielle, for example, resisted a priest's advice to have their
infant baptized Catholic because they believed that for “the child
to go through these things would be obviously making the child
Catholic.” Both felt that this was not fair.
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