Acceptance from Parents
Acceptance from Other Family Members
Acceptance within Churches
Strategies for dealing with lack of acceptance
Acceptance from Parents
An important issue for many interchurch couples is gaining support
and acceptance from their parents. Unfortunately, some couples
indicated they did not always get the support or acceptance they
desired. One woman said her husband's Protestant family did not
want them to get married because she was Roman Catholic. Ellen,
who helps prepare couples for marriage, reported that some engaged
couples worry that their parents will not attend the wedding because
they disapprove of the interchurch marriage. Issues of acceptance
can also arise later in the marriage when the couple has children.
One man reported that his wife's Catholic family was upset by the
couple's decision to baptize the child in the Methodist church.
Lack of acceptance is shown in a variety
of other ways, such as making critical remarks regarding a person's
religion. One woman described her husband's family's reaction
to her being Catholic as, “You people are all wrong. You don't know what you're talking
about. You pray to Mary, you pray to the saints, you do all these
smells and bells stuff, and it's just wrong.” An unwillingness
to attend a worship service with the couple was also perceived
as a sign of non-acceptance. One woman shared how her Catholic
parents weren't willing to go to their Protestant church because “It
doesn't count on Sunday.” Even if a parent does go to a service,
a lack of participation in the service can be interpreted as non-acceptance.
One Catholic woman complained that when her Mother went to a candlelight
service at her husband's Protestant church, she did not sing the
Christmas carols or mention the service later. In contrast, taking
the time and effort to learn about another's church conveyed some
measure of acceptance. One man said that after his brother also
married a Catholic woman, his father attended the Catholic Church
to learn about the Catholic faith, and is now much more comfortable
with it.
Ironically, having interchurch parents did not necessarily guarantee
that couples received support or acceptance for their own interchurch
marriage. One woman's mother was very much against her having an
interchurch marriage because of her own difficult time in an interchurch
marriage. Another woman reported that her mother was very upset
when she changed denominations, even though her mother had also
changed denominations in her own interchurch marriage.
Talking with interchurch couples gives some
insights as to why some parents have difficulty with their child
entering an interchurch marriage. Some parents fear their child
will become less active in church as a result of an interchurch
marriage. This concern was voiced by Danielle, a Catholic
engaged to an Evangelical Christian man. She said, “Your mom said to you that she's worried that we
were unequally yoked. I know she meant, ‘If you have somebody who's
like, very strong in their faith, and you're with somebody who
has no faith, or just completely weak, you might be brought down
to that person's level, you might not be able to stay at your level.'” Another
woman believed her father-in-law was initially upset over their
marriage out a fear that she would try to change his son to Catholicism.
Parents may also have negative reactions
when their child changes churches or denominations. Some parents
see it as a personal failure. One woman thought her parents felt “they didn't raise their kids
to be strong-enough Catholics so that they felt they needed to
remain Catholic.” She later added that her mother prays everyday
that she will return to the Catholic Church. This sense of failure
may also lead parents to feel embarrassment. One woman said that
most of her relatives did not know that she was not going to the
Catholic Church because her parents did not want them to know.
Other parents can perceive the change of affiliation as an act
of disloyalty. One woman reported that her mother changed to Catholicism,
and felt betrayed by her daughter's change to a Protestant denomination.
She believes her mother thought the decision to change affiliation
was “kind of like thumbing my nose at her decision.”
In addition to the points mentioned above,
the level of acceptance by parents could be influenced by many
other factors. The belief that one church was superior to another
made it difficult for some parents or family members to accept
interchurch marriages. Several individuals shared how parents,
relatives, or priests communicated their belief that the “Catholic Church is the only one.” One man
described how neither his mother nor his brothers went to the cousin's
wedding because she was “marrying down” to a non-Catholic and was
changing to her partner's denomination. His family believed the
Catholic Church was the best for believers, while being a Presbyterian “was
good, but not so good.” The belief that one's church is superior
to others' is not restricted to Catholics. One woman reported that
her mother-in-law questioned whether or not she was saved because
she was a Catholic. Another man reported that his staunch Presbyterian
grandmother wrote a number of family members complaining when someone
in the family married a Methodist. Many interchurch individuals
reject this way of thinking, preferring to focus on the fact that
both are Christians, or that they worship the same God.
The strength of religious identity in one's family of origin may
be another factor that impacts acceptance. Alex shared that he
would have experienced considerable family pressure from both his
parents and extended family if he had not remained Catholic. He
attributed this to the fact that he came from a very Catholic family,
which had priests in multiple generations and had other members
who were highly involved in the Catholic Church. Previous family
experiences with interchurch marriages can also influence acceptance.
One woman described her family's fear that she and her husband
would have troubles similar to other relatives over religious differences.
In contrast, having siblings who were already in interchurch marriages
could sometimes pave the way for acceptance for another sibling
entering an interchurch marriage.
Many interchurch individuals believed that
the level of acceptance from parents and other family members
could partly be explained by their experiences with other religions
growing up. In general, interchurch individuals believed that
more exposure to other religions increased acceptance. Conversely,
lack of exposure could create misconceptions and lack of acceptance.
One man stated, “Ignorance
breeds prejudice.” Another said regarding his grandmother, “She
never really said anything, but the majority of the misconceptions
she's had were simply because she never was around Catholics. She
never grew up near a Catholic.” The type of experience can also
be an important factor. One man described how his parents were
not supportive of his interchurch marriage to begin with, and thinks
that it is due in part to the fact that they grew up in a community
were there was friction between Catholics and Lutherans.
Finally, it may be helpful to understand the
historical context of interchurch marriages. Today, nearly 40%
of marriages are interchurch, indicating a much greater level
of acceptance than in the past. In previous generations, interchurch
marriages were much less common and actively discouraged. One
man said, “If you go back 30-40 years
ago, a lot of priests wouldn't let you marry somebody of another
faith.” One interchurch couple that was married 47 years said that
they were not allowed to have Mass at their wedding because they
were interchurch. Parents or other family members raised in these
earlier generations may have a less accepting attitude about interchurch
marriages based on the negative attitudes about interchurch marriages
with which they were raised.
It is important to note that not all parents
had difficulty accepting a child's interchurch marriage. One
mother, for example, told her daughter-in-law, “As long as you can get him to go to church, I
don't care what church.” Other people suggested that acceptance
of the partner by parents was made easier because they came to
know and like the individual. In some cases, the parents may even
be truly indifferent to the issue of the couple being interchurch.
In other cases, the individual may have mixed feelings. One couple
discussed how her parents were upset that their daughter had changed
to another denomination, but were pleased she was still active
in a church (unlike her brothers, the woman added).
It is important to recognize that with time,
parents who were initially concerned about or non-accepting of
an interchurch relationship may grow to accept it. The mother-in-law
who was fearful that her son would be “unequally yoked” eventually was able to support and
even defend the relationship. When asked by the women at her church
Bible study if her son's Catholic fiancée was saved, she
responded, “Yes, she is. As a matter of fact, she's a lot more
of a Christian than many of the people that I know go to this church.” Another
woman said it took her Catholic mother five to six years to come
to terms with her change to a Protestant church. She shared that
her mother went to visit one of her brothers who had moved over
a year ago to a different state. When Sunday morning came around
and her parents asked to go to church, her brother had to look
up in the phone book the location of the nearest church. When her
mother returned home, she said to her daughter, “Well, at least
you go to church.” The woman said that after that things were OK.
Acceptance from Other Family Members
Lack of acceptance can also come from other
family members such as siblings, grandparents, or other relatives.
One woman described how an aunt and uncle ignored their wedding
invitation. She said her aunt and uncle believed the couple was
not legitimately married “because
if we don't get married in a Catholic Church, we're not married
in God's eyes.” In some cases, an interchurch parent may even have
to deal with a lack of acceptance from his or her own children.
This situation is most likely to arise when the individual has
children from a previous relationship. One woman who became Catholic
in her second marriage commented to her oldest daughter that she
had not made a very Christian comment. Her daughter retorted, “What
do you care! You're not a Christian any more, you're Catholic!” Another
woman described her daughter's difficulty with her becoming an
Episcopalian. Her daughter exclaimed, “But Mom, you've always been
Presbyterian! You're mother was always Presbyterian. Your grandmother
was always Presbyterian.”
Acceptance within Churches
A lack of acceptance of interchurch couples
could sometimes be experienced in church as well. One woman said, “Often times, some
of the biggest hurts come from people within a church as well.
We had one couple tell us that we were such a neat couple, it's
too bad we could never be a sacrament of a marriage because we
weren't both Catholic.” Another man said the church has a tendency
to see interchurch couples as a problem. He said that churches “are
treating it as if it's some sort of problem that we're going to
stamp out.” Several incidences were mentioned where clergy were
insensitive or not accepting of interchurch partners or marriages.
Interchurch couples may be especially surprised or disappointed
by the lack of acceptance from clergy. As one woman put it, you
expect clergy to offer “respect, acceptance, and tolerance and
understanding.”
Non-acceptance of interchurch couples within the church was demonstrated
in a number of ways. Clergy may refuse to participate in an important
religious ceremony for the couple. One couple was upset when a
pastor with whom the husband had grown up with refused to officiate
the couple's wedding. A Catholic woman also asked her priest to
be at her second daughter's baptism at her husband's Lutheran church,
but he responded that he could not do it. By the same token, clergy
who are willing to participate in an interchurch ceremony, perhaps
with clergy from other churches, can convey acceptance to the couple.
Interchurch individuals also described experiences
where clergy took the position that one denomination or church
was superior to another. Two women, for example, had similar
experiences where a priest drew a circle and put the Catholic
Church in the middle of the circle to represent that it had the
fullest truth. Other denominations were off-center or outside
the circle, suggesting their faith or belief in God was not as
full or as good as Catholics. One woman said her girlfriend and
her fiancé where turned
away by a priest because she was not Catholic. She was made to
feel like “it was a bad thing that she wasn't Catholic” or that she was “inferior.”
Lack of acceptance was also communicated
by trying to persuade one person to change denominations. This
could be interpreted as “you
are not acceptable as you are, you must change or convert.” Andrea,
a Protestant woman, described getting a letter every year from
her husband's Catholic Church inviting her to join the church.
She felt this communicated that she was important only if she changed
denominations. Chris, an Evangelical Christian, said it appeared
that the priest's goal in marriage preparation was “basically to
try to change me. He did not try to understand the differences
and come up with some way to work them out, which we have done
within our own time.” His partner Danielle added that in one session,
the priest “came in with his Bible all place marked like he was
just going to open his Bible and show my fiancé where he
was wrong.” In contrast, not trying to change the partner was interpreted
as a sign of acceptance. Eve, a Protestant woman, took religion
classes to learn more about her partner's Catholic faith. When
she later told the priest she wanted to change religious affiliation,
he expressed surprise by saying, “You're kidding. I mean, that's
great, but you're kidding.” Eve interpreted his response to mean
that “he was OK with the two of us being together and being married
and it just didn't matter to him that I wasn't Catholic.”
Being excluded from church activities by
both clergy and church members also conveyed a lack of acceptance.
One woman was hurt when their church declined the couple's offer
to lead a Renewal group and an interfaith group during an evangelization
process. She commented, “There is still a lot of saying no. You're just
not good enough.” A man shared that he and his wife had been actively
involved in Marriage Encounter, but left after some people in the
group stated that there needed to be two Catholic partners to lead
Marriage Encounter. Just as being excluded conveyed non-acceptance,
being invited to participate despite one's religious differences
could be powerful in terms of conveying acceptance. A woman appreciated
the fact that her Protestant husband was asked to help at a Catholic
high school. When they informed the principal that he was not Catholic,
he replied, “So what.”
Acknowledging that interchurch couples exist
and taking an interest in them was another powerful expression
of acceptance. One woman said the Family Life Office in her city
was wonderful because they acknowledged that interchurch couples
existed and “that it's OK
to exist.” Another person liked the fact that church mailings came
addressed to both of them, which was another way of acknowledging
that the other partner existed and was important. One woman felt
supported when church members demonstrated interest by inquiring
if the couple had attended the other's service.
Strategies for dealing with lack of acceptance
During interviews, interchurch individuals
offered different strategies that they used to deal with lack
of acceptance from family and church. An important theme raised
by several individuals was to focus less on what others think
and more on what the couple believes is the right thing to do.
One person advised that young couples “shouldn't
be so concerned about what the world wants them to do, or what
their parents want them to do. They have to be comfortable themselves,
as people of Christ's church. They need to pray about it and need
to seek direction and I think they have to eventually come down
to the decision that they're comfortable with.” Another said that
she and her husband soon realized that no matter what they did,
someone was going to disagree with their decision. This realization
helped them focus on what they needed to do, and not be preoccupied
with what others thought. Another said, “Your faith is your own.
And you can't do it to please somebody else.”
Although this advice may seem simple in concept, it may be difficult
to implement in practice. Individuals who have an overly strong
connection or dependence upon their parents, for example, may have
great difficulty going against a parent's wishes or desires. One
man, who became very active in the Catholic Church, never officially joined the Catholic Church
because his mother would strongly object to him becoming Catholic.
Even after her death, he is uncertain if he will ever officially
join the church. This is only one example of how parents had a
strong influence over their adult children. Individuals, however,
also need to be cautious about the opposite extreme, which is to
automatically disregard all outside input.
Interchurch individuals also need to be
careful about how much they will personalize criticism or lack
of acceptance directed towards them. Erica, for example, described
wanting her priest to be at her second daughter's baptism, but
he would not attend, saying he couldn't do it. She was unclear as
to why he said no. She wondered if perhaps he wanted to attend
but could not due to church reasons rather than personal reasons.
She admitted that it would be less hurtful if she knew he did
not come because he had “his hands tied” rather
than for personal reasons. As much as possible, individuals should
try to determine what is behind a lack of acceptance. Often times,
lack of acceptance on the part of parents is rooted in some fear
that they have for their child. As stated earlier, some parents fear
their children will drift away from church if they are in an interchurch
marriage, or they fear they did not do a good enough job raising
their children in their own religious tradition. In other cases,
the lack of acceptance may be rooted in some negative experiences
or attitudes about other religious traditions. Understanding these
underlying fears or attitudes can take some of the sting out of
lack of acceptance. It may also give the individual some insight
on how best to address the issue, such as providing the necessary
reassurance to alleviate a parent's fears.
At times, you may need to gently confront
others who make non-accepting or insensitive comments in an effort
to educate or sensitize them. One woman believed that interchurch
individuals have some responsibility to share and educate others
on what life is like for interchurch couples. She noted, for
example, that Catholic schools need to be reminded that “there
are parents who are not of the Catholic religion, so when we're
doing things of religious significance you can't cut out half
of a child's parents. You have to find a way to help include
them.”
It will obviously take some wisdom to discern when it is best
to educate others about how a particular comment or action was
hurtful or insensitive, or simply let the incident pass. Although
some individuals may become defensive if the incident is addressed,
others individuals will be grateful because it will raise their
consciousness about that issue. Talking about a particular incident
may open the door for a deeper dialogue about the topic, which
may benefit both parties.
Another strategy for dealing with non-acceptance
was to avoid talking about the issues with family members or
others. One woman shared that she would like to talk to her mother
about religion and her marriage, but does not because she knows
that her mother will become defensive and say, “You should be doing this.” Another
said she rarely discussed religion with her family because her
change of religious affiliation was a sore topic with the family.
Although this strategy should not be endorsed in all situations,
there are times when avoiding talking about a sore topic may be
the prudent option. This option should be considered when maintaining
the relationship is important, compromise is not a real possibility,
and several previous attempts to discuss the situation have failed.
If this approach is used, family members should attempt to build
a connection in other areas besides the area of conflict.
A final way to deal with lack of acceptance is to seek out the support of others who are sympathetic and accepting of interchurch couples, especially other interchurch couples. For example, one individual commented that they liked their interchurch group because they are with other people who understand them because they are in a similar situation. Some couples choose to develop an informal network of interchurch couples, while others seek out more formal contact with interchurch couples such as joining a support group or organization for interchurch couples. One such organization is the Association for Interchurch Families (AIF) (http://www.interchurchfamilies.org), which is an international organization devoted to interchurch families. This site contains numerous resources for couples, including an electronic version of its journal, Interchurch Families . You can also join a listserve for individuals interested in discussing interchurch issues. The AIF website also lists chapters or contacts for several different countries. For information about the American chapter of the Association for Interchurch Families, you can go to the following web address: http://www.aifusa.org.
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